London 1 - Exes.

When I arrive in London, earlier than planned thanks to the Scot, my two best girlfriends are still travelling around Europe. Therefore the only person I know, and who meets me at the airport and gives me a place to stay for the first few weeks, is my ex. He is still with the girl he started going out with after me, it is serious. I naively think we can all be friends, that we will all be friends forever just like we were before. After all my ex and his best friend were my best friends for 5 years. Why shouldn't we still be friends? How naïve I was. Looking back with life's experience of course it was never to be. He kindly let me stay for a few weeks before I got in contact with the son of my mum's friend who took me under his wing. He had just moved into a new flat so I became the dosser (sleeping in the lounge for cheap rent). He introduced me to his friends and I gradually built a new life away from the ex. I was still very emotionally tied to the ex and still phoned him, met him for lunch occasionally and went round to watch the rugby with them. We even went to the rugby world cup quarter final between the All Blacks and France at Twickenham (we lost). There are three instances that stand out that cut those ties. At the time each one devastated me. But of course it was the best thing for me. 1) I'd arranged (with our mutual friend) to go round to their flat to watch a rugby game. Just before I left the ex phoned and told me I couldn't come round. That I could never come round again. It was too hard for the new GF. I was in tears. It made no difference. This was a dagger that hit home that she was more important than me. 2) I had woken up one Friday morning in a hotel room with a strange guy (thankfully he was a nice guy and had slept on the floor). I was still drunk. It was the first week of a new job and I had to call in sick. It was the first time that I really had that sickening feeling that I may be an alcoholic. Sure I knew I had a drinking problem. But an alcoholic? I took myself home, got cleaned up and phoned the ex. I really needed to talk to someone so could he meet me for lunch? No. Not today and not another day. More tears. Another dagger, that he no longer cares about me. 3) In the New Year about 6 or 7 months after I arrived, they got engaged. The ex's sister (who was over at the time and who I was still friends with) told me. She told me there was an engagement party and that she was telling me because she didn't want me to find out from anyone else. I stupidly for a second thought that I was being invited. Of course I wasn't. The final dagger, it was over, done, I was nothing more than a distant ex. The Scot, and this, I think goes someway to explaining my emotional state for those first twelve months in London. I was lost. I didn't have a particular purpose. I was filling a gap. I filled it with friends - my best friend now was my best friend then. I met her through the friend that took me in. We were inseparable. I also filled it with drugs. Funnily enough after waking up with the strange guy in 2) above - I actually did stop drinking for a bit. But by then I had found ecstasy.

Three weeks since my last post! I haven't dome much in those three weeks. But also I haven't really thought about alcohol. I just don't think about it anymore. It's doesn't bother me when someone has a drink in front of me. Even at home. When I go out I have sparkling water, or join the kids in having a lemonade, or an iced tea, or even a hot chocolate. I imagine it will be harder in summer - there's nothing like a nice cold beer on a hot day - so I'll have to find something as a replacement before that time. But I digress. I'm writing now because hubby is out for a run and the  kids are upstairs playing. It's the calm before the storm! My parents in law arrive this afternoon to spend Christmas with us. They will be drinking. I will not. Hubby will be drinking. I will not. We are going to friends' for Christmas lunch. They will be drinking. I will not. I say this with completely neutral feelings. I don't feel angry about it. Or frustrated. I actually feel nothing - I'm not sure if this is a good thing or not but it seems better than feeling angry. I'm looking forward to enjoying Christmas day with friends and family and being completely present in the moment - instead of being in a heady haze of champagne. I'm also looking forward to being able to do something with the evening - instead of just looking for more alcohol to drink. And of course to waking up on Boxing Day without a hangover!

Progress

The other night I watched the rugby in a bar. In the past rugby has always been associated with drinking. I would watch in a bar or at friends houses and get absolutely tipsy if not roaring drunk. A previous wake up call had been during the rugby world cup last year when I drove home drunk with my 3 year old in the car. It didn't matter what time of the day the rugby was on - early morning games broadcast from Europe would be celebrated with bubbles. Evening games from NZ/Aus with wine or bubbles. This time we had invited a large group of new friends (we are currently living on the other side of the world from home) to watch the game with us as a thank you for welcoming us so warmly into their village. We put on nibbles and drinks (a premixed alcoholic cocktail). The crowd was international with children running round and playing happily. I stayed until almost midnight at which time I took the exhausted kids home. Hubby stayed on (oh how times have changed). It wasn't until I was lying in bed later with the 4 year old snuggled up to me that I realised I hadn't thought about alcohol at all during the evening. I hadn't felt angry that I couldn't drink it, or lost when someone asked me if I wanted a drink. In fact I hadn't thought about it at all. It helped that there was a non alcoholic cocktail available so I didn't have to think about what to drink. And I was busy watching the rugby, talking to friends and supervising kids. But it feels like after 8 weeks that the habit might finally be breaking. I no longer feel too aggrieved when hubby pours a glass of red either. A cup of tea and piece (or 10) of chocolate in front of the fire seems to do just as well!

Late teens / Early twenties

My late teens / early twenties were a bit of a blur. Everything revolved around drinking. In my last year of school I was regularly going to the pub, drinking with my older brothers, staying out all night. I even remember drinking at 10am one day when skipping school with a boyfriend - I was nervous, shy, I didn't actually know what to do or say without a drink in my hand. Then university. I was 17 when I started university. There was a pub on campus. I spent many afternoons sitting on the pub terrace, alone, nursing a beer pretending to read my notes. I left home towards the end of the year. Needless to say my drinking increased, I put on weight, I failed most of my exams. Back home after the summer I started hanging out with some of my brother's friends. One would become my boyfriend for the next 5 years. They were heavy drinkers - I idolised them. We would meet up on a Friday night at someone's house and drink for a couple of hours before going out. They would polish off the best part of a bottle of vodka (mixed with orange juice, surely that's healthy?) while I would get through the best part of 2 bottles of Italian sparkling wine. Then we would go out to bars and clubs until the early hours drinking the whole time. We'd get a few hours sleep, have some fast food for breakfast, watch sport on TV and then do it all again the next night. This continued in more or less the same vein for the next 4 years. Some things changed: I moved in with them, got a weekend job (needless to say I was always hungover), Saturday afternoons in summer were spent on the cricket pitch and in winter watching rugby, I finally finished uni and got a job. But it was four years of heavy boozing every weekend. We lived for the weekend. Drinks at home, drinks at a restaurant/bar/club, more drinks at home. I know this is pretty normal for most kiwis. And this is the problem - it was normal. Everyone around me was doing a similar thing. Nobody thought they had a problem. When I drank too much and was sick it was funny. Alcohol was such a massive part of who we were and what we did. It was even normal to have a few drinks after work on a Friday night and drive home. I did this every week. 2, 3, 4 glasses of wine and then drive across the city. Thinking back now I was an emotional wreck in my early twenties. Maybe everyone is? My boyfriend and I split up for a bit, I didn't know who I was, or who I wanted to be, we got back together. Then he left to go overseas... I didn't realise it at the time but this was one of the defining moments of my life. I had been very dependant on him emotionally. The first chord was cut. Outside I was fine. Inside I was a wreck. Of course I drank. I latched on to another of my brother's friends, another heavy drinker of course, and we went clubbing every weekend. I went to London to visit my boyfriend and we decided to heave a break. I thought we would get back together when he got back in a couple of years. Back home I was having fun, I felt free - but I was jumping from one thing to the next, one guy to the next. I decided to join my girlfriends in London but I needed 8 months to pay off my credit card first. I had a fling with a Scot. My ex got together with someone else, he said it was serious. I fell in love with the Scot, he had to go back to Scotland. I brought my trip forward to join him, he broke my heart. Everything changes but the drinking stays the same. I still go to London, earlier than planned, with 800 pounds in my pocket and my credit card still maxed out.

Why can't you just control yourself?

It's been two weeks since my last post. Not that I haven't wanted to write, it's just that as no one knows I'm writing this it's hard to get the private time and space to do it. In the last two weeks I've been doing plenty of things where I normally would have drunk - out to dinner with friends, watching rugby in a bar, socialising in a bar, even just watching a good, juicy TV show at home with hubby. I wouldn't say it's been easy. Every time someone offers me a drink I still want to say yes and still feel pissed off that I can't say yes. Whatever situation I'm in though thankfully I only have to say no once and then my brain gives up its nagging. Which is a relief. I've also started telling people that I no longer drink. Everyone understands. Many were witness to my last drunken escapade and in fact many have said that they need to reduce or give up too. It's amazing when you talk about it how many people struggle with the same issue. You either get it or you don't. You either have the problem or you don't. Hubby doesn't have the problem. Thank goodness or life would really be a mess. But that means I can't really talk to him about it. When I got a little annoyed at the 3rd glass of red wine he had in front of me the other night and said exasperatedly "I wish I could just have one too!" his response was "well why don't you and just learn to control yourself!" Oh if only it were that easy. It's not that I want him to stop drinking. There's no reason for him to stop. But I feel I'm still in a stage where I could easily kid myself that I could start to have one glass at a time and that would be ok, wouldn't it? What if I never drank while out but allowed myself one glass at home per night? Where's the harm in that? Oh wait I've tried rules before. And the goalposts slowly move. One per night at home, two per night at home, two at home and one while out, three at home and two while out....etc etc etc. I know hubby doesn't understand why I can't just control myself. Why I'll never trust myself with alcohol again. I know it makes him angry which is why I can't talk to him about it. I guess it's why there are so many recovery blogs out there. People need to get their thoughts out and connect with other people who "get it". I'm sure I'll share this blog with friends and family one day. But I'm definitely not ready to yet.

Learning to cope

I've just survived a week away with hubby, kids and mum in law. I say survived because hubby and mum in law would both be on the wines/beers in the afternoons/evenings. Not getting drunk on the wines/beesr but a nice relaxing wine with meals or a red wine on front of the fire. I did have the "why can't I just have one wine?", "would it be so bad just to have one?" feelings but I know it's never that simple so I just put those thoughts out of my head and had a fizzy water in a wine glass or a cup of tea instead. Funny how a soft drink in a wine glass feels so much more grown up and sophisticated than in a tumbler. Stem withdrawal I've heard it called. I certainly don't want to go through stem withdrawal, or bubbles withdrawal, so fizzy water in a wine glass is good with me. :-)

Mid Teens

I first started to drink regularly when I was 15. At 14 my friend and I would take alcohol out of our parents liquor cabinets before school socials and proceed to knock back what we called "bombs" before going in. They gave us a buzz for a few hours but ensured we were fine when our parents picked us up at 10pm. These socials were probably once or twice every few months. It was 15 that I started to get drunk every weekend. I had a boyfriend who lived out of town and I would stay at his house every 2nd or 3rd weekend. He lived on a pretty loose rein so we would go out to social clubs, sports clubs or friends houses and drink. I would basically drink until I threw up or fell asleep. It can't have been much fun but I thought it was. A large part of why I drank was to give me the confidence to talk to people. I was extremely shy and found it very difficult to talk to people I didn't know. Once I found that alcohol loosened my mind and tongue it became my best friend. It was the only way I could be accepted into a social circle - without alcohol I was too shy to speak resulting in other girls thinking I was rude and stuck up. I drank to become more social but unfortunately if there was alcohol around I wouldn't stop drinking. Soon I could keep up with the boys and this spurred me on even more. The weekends I wasn't at by boyfriend's I was out with a male friend - he was older (20) and would buy me alcohol. At the time I thought it was a genuine friendship and perhaps somewhere along the line it was but when I think back he was just a way for me to go out and drink. We went to nightclubs, friends houses or just to the movies but everywhere I went I drank. He even picked me and my friends up from school socials so it didn't matter how drunk we got. We certainly got kicked out of a few and he would pick us up so our parents didn't find out. I also had two older brothers who drank and had places of their own - so I could go to their places and stay up all night drinking. This continued through the age of 16 (apart from the boyfriend) and at 17 I regularly started going to the local pub and hanging out with my brothers more (rather than the older friend - I now looked old enough to buy my own alcohol). I find it so sad looking back that practically every social occasion through my teens involved drinking and the associated blackouts and hangovers. Unfortunately these just became a normal part of my life. There were times my parents found out I had drunk. At 14 or 15 they were called to take me home from a blue light social as I was drunk and had thrown up all over the floor. Another time at 16 they were called to pick me up from a friends as I was too drunk. Another they had to pick me up from a beach at 3am as I had been so drunk I'd missed my lift home. My parents certainly didn't condone this behaviour and I can imagine now how worried they must have been. I don't know if anything would or could have made me change my behaviour - I was already in pretty deep. But perhaps something to improve my confidence and social skills would have helped?

False sense of security?

It's only been thirteen days since I stopped drinking alcohol but I'm surprised at how easy it's been (so far). I know there will be ups and downs but I can honestly say I do not miss it at the moment. The only time I had a pang was when we were out to dinner the other night for hubby's birthday and one of the desserts was a sorbet with prosecco. Usually I would go straight for that and it sounded so delicious that it was my first "oh but I can't have that" moment. I know if I'd mentioned it to hubby he would have said go for it but I know it's a slippery slope from having alcohol in food, to just having a sip to back to drinking again. I have also been tempted to smell wine. Last weekend we had friends staying and hubby opened a nice 2012 Bordeaux to share. But again it's that slippery slope from smelling to tasting to drinking. Apart from that I haven't minded friends drinking in front of me. As long as I have my sparkling water in a wine glass I feel ok. I just need to find a nice, warming, velvety drink to have in front of the fire on those cold, wintry nights.

Starting young

I had my first drink aged 12. 12! It was before a school social (not sure when we started to call them discos but they were socials in my day) at Intermediate School. I'm not sure why we wanted to drink. My parents certainly never drunk - except one glass of dry white cask wine with dinner - but I had older brothers and I guess I was aware that they drunk. I certainly had this desire to be "cool" - and somehow at the time that meant smoking and drinking - that's what the "cool" teenagers did that I saw hanging about the shops. Or at least that's what I must have thought. The Dad of one of my classmates owned a pub - so he (the classmate, not the Dad) nicked some alcohol. I have no idea what it was but it must have been mixed as I don't remember it being too disgusting. We met up behind the classroom and drank it. We weren't drunk as such, we certainly gave no obvious outward signs but I remember feeling full of confidence and cheeky enough to do things I wouldn't otherwise have had the guts to - like climbing over the gate (taller than me) to get out of the social and then walking back in through the main door right in front of the teachers. Unfortunately this first introduction was positive - it tasted ok, the night was fun and we didn't get into trouble.

Never again.

Last night I got drunk. Falling over drunk. Ignoring the kids drunk. Physically sick hangover drunk. 364 days exactly since the last time I got drunk - when I got into my car and drove home with my three year old daughter next to me. That was when I made a promise to myself - to never get drunk again. But last night I broke that promise. I didn't do it on purpose. But I can't say it wasn't my fault - I drank the wine after all. I don't know what happened. For some reason I just didn't think about how much I was drinking. Everyone else was drinking, hubby was drinking, the kids were playing...Then I'm falling over, looking for people to continue drinking with. Hubby has taken the kids home to dinner/bed (it's a school night). Then I wake up, engulfed in the hangover I promised I would never suffer from again. Awash with guilt. Depressed. Embarrassed. The remorseful voices in my head - "why, why, why, you can't do this anymore, you have to stop, I can't stop, I love it, you have to, completely, forever, it's the only way". I have been a problem drinker for 26 years, since I was 15 years old. I have been seriously trying to control my drinking for the last 18 months. It has not worked. It is time to stop. Completely. Forever.