Learning to cope

I've just survived a week away with hubby, kids and mum in law. I say survived because hubby and mum in law would both be on the wines/beers in the afternoons/evenings. Not getting drunk on the wines/beesr but a nice relaxing wine with meals or a red wine on front of the fire. I did have the "why can't I just have one wine?", "would it be so bad just to have one?" feelings but I know it's never that simple so I just put those thoughts out of my head and had a fizzy water in a wine glass or a cup of tea instead. Funny how a soft drink in a wine glass feels so much more grown up and sophisticated than in a tumbler. Stem withdrawal I've heard it called. I certainly don't want to go through stem withdrawal, or bubbles withdrawal, so fizzy water in a wine glass is good with me. :-)

Mid Teens

I first started to drink regularly when I was 15. At 14 my friend and I would take alcohol out of our parents liquor cabinets before school socials and proceed to knock back what we called "bombs" before going in. They gave us a buzz for a few hours but ensured we were fine when our parents picked us up at 10pm. These socials were probably once or twice every few months. It was 15 that I started to get drunk every weekend. I had a boyfriend who lived out of town and I would stay at his house every 2nd or 3rd weekend. He lived on a pretty loose rein so we would go out to social clubs, sports clubs or friends houses and drink. I would basically drink until I threw up or fell asleep. It can't have been much fun but I thought it was. A large part of why I drank was to give me the confidence to talk to people. I was extremely shy and found it very difficult to talk to people I didn't know. Once I found that alcohol loosened my mind and tongue it became my best friend. It was the only way I could be accepted into a social circle - without alcohol I was too shy to speak resulting in other girls thinking I was rude and stuck up. I drank to become more social but unfortunately if there was alcohol around I wouldn't stop drinking. Soon I could keep up with the boys and this spurred me on even more. The weekends I wasn't at by boyfriend's I was out with a male friend - he was older (20) and would buy me alcohol. At the time I thought it was a genuine friendship and perhaps somewhere along the line it was but when I think back he was just a way for me to go out and drink. We went to nightclubs, friends houses or just to the movies but everywhere I went I drank. He even picked me and my friends up from school socials so it didn't matter how drunk we got. We certainly got kicked out of a few and he would pick us up so our parents didn't find out. I also had two older brothers who drank and had places of their own - so I could go to their places and stay up all night drinking. This continued through the age of 16 (apart from the boyfriend) and at 17 I regularly started going to the local pub and hanging out with my brothers more (rather than the older friend - I now looked old enough to buy my own alcohol). I find it so sad looking back that practically every social occasion through my teens involved drinking and the associated blackouts and hangovers. Unfortunately these just became a normal part of my life. There were times my parents found out I had drunk. At 14 or 15 they were called to take me home from a blue light social as I was drunk and had thrown up all over the floor. Another time at 16 they were called to pick me up from a friends as I was too drunk. Another they had to pick me up from a beach at 3am as I had been so drunk I'd missed my lift home. My parents certainly didn't condone this behaviour and I can imagine now how worried they must have been. I don't know if anything would or could have made me change my behaviour - I was already in pretty deep. But perhaps something to improve my confidence and social skills would have helped?

False sense of security?

It's only been thirteen days since I stopped drinking alcohol but I'm surprised at how easy it's been (so far). I know there will be ups and downs but I can honestly say I do not miss it at the moment. The only time I had a pang was when we were out to dinner the other night for hubby's birthday and one of the desserts was a sorbet with prosecco. Usually I would go straight for that and it sounded so delicious that it was my first "oh but I can't have that" moment. I know if I'd mentioned it to hubby he would have said go for it but I know it's a slippery slope from having alcohol in food, to just having a sip to back to drinking again. I have also been tempted to smell wine. Last weekend we had friends staying and hubby opened a nice 2012 Bordeaux to share. But again it's that slippery slope from smelling to tasting to drinking. Apart from that I haven't minded friends drinking in front of me. As long as I have my sparkling water in a wine glass I feel ok. I just need to find a nice, warming, velvety drink to have in front of the fire on those cold, wintry nights.

Starting young

I had my first drink aged 12. 12! It was before a school social (not sure when we started to call them discos but they were socials in my day) at Intermediate School. I'm not sure why we wanted to drink. My parents certainly never drunk - except one glass of dry white cask wine with dinner - but I had older brothers and I guess I was aware that they drunk. I certainly had this desire to be "cool" - and somehow at the time that meant smoking and drinking - that's what the "cool" teenagers did that I saw hanging about the shops. Or at least that's what I must have thought. The Dad of one of my classmates owned a pub - so he (the classmate, not the Dad) nicked some alcohol. I have no idea what it was but it must have been mixed as I don't remember it being too disgusting. We met up behind the classroom and drank it. We weren't drunk as such, we certainly gave no obvious outward signs but I remember feeling full of confidence and cheeky enough to do things I wouldn't otherwise have had the guts to - like climbing over the gate (taller than me) to get out of the social and then walking back in through the main door right in front of the teachers. Unfortunately this first introduction was positive - it tasted ok, the night was fun and we didn't get into trouble.

Never again.

Last night I got drunk. Falling over drunk. Ignoring the kids drunk. Physically sick hangover drunk. 364 days exactly since the last time I got drunk - when I got into my car and drove home with my three year old daughter next to me. That was when I made a promise to myself - to never get drunk again. But last night I broke that promise. I didn't do it on purpose. But I can't say it wasn't my fault - I drank the wine after all. I don't know what happened. For some reason I just didn't think about how much I was drinking. Everyone else was drinking, hubby was drinking, the kids were playing...Then I'm falling over, looking for people to continue drinking with. Hubby has taken the kids home to dinner/bed (it's a school night). Then I wake up, engulfed in the hangover I promised I would never suffer from again. Awash with guilt. Depressed. Embarrassed. The remorseful voices in my head - "why, why, why, you can't do this anymore, you have to stop, I can't stop, I love it, you have to, completely, forever, it's the only way". I have been a problem drinker for 26 years, since I was 15 years old. I have been seriously trying to control my drinking for the last 18 months. It has not worked. It is time to stop. Completely. Forever.