Progress

The other night I watched the rugby in a bar. In the past rugby has always been associated with drinking. I would watch in a bar or at friends houses and get absolutely tipsy if not roaring drunk. A previous wake up call had been during the rugby world cup last year when I drove home drunk with my 3 year old in the car. It didn't matter what time of the day the rugby was on - early morning games broadcast from Europe would be celebrated with bubbles. Evening games from NZ/Aus with wine or bubbles. This time we had invited a large group of new friends (we are currently living on the other side of the world from home) to watch the game with us as a thank you for welcoming us so warmly into their village. We put on nibbles and drinks (a premixed alcoholic cocktail). The crowd was international with children running round and playing happily. I stayed until almost midnight at which time I took the exhausted kids home. Hubby stayed on (oh how times have changed). It wasn't until I was lying in bed later with the 4 year old snuggled up to me that I realised I hadn't thought about alcohol at all during the evening. I hadn't felt angry that I couldn't drink it, or lost when someone asked me if I wanted a drink. In fact I hadn't thought about it at all. It helped that there was a non alcoholic cocktail available so I didn't have to think about what to drink. And I was busy watching the rugby, talking to friends and supervising kids. But it feels like after 8 weeks that the habit might finally be breaking. I no longer feel too aggrieved when hubby pours a glass of red either. A cup of tea and piece (or 10) of chocolate in front of the fire seems to do just as well!

Late teens / Early twenties

My late teens / early twenties were a bit of a blur. Everything revolved around drinking. In my last year of school I was regularly going to the pub, drinking with my older brothers, staying out all night. I even remember drinking at 10am one day when skipping school with a boyfriend - I was nervous, shy, I didn't actually know what to do or say without a drink in my hand. Then university. I was 17 when I started university. There was a pub on campus. I spent many afternoons sitting on the pub terrace, alone, nursing a beer pretending to read my notes. I left home towards the end of the year. Needless to say my drinking increased, I put on weight, I failed most of my exams. Back home after the summer I started hanging out with some of my brother's friends. One would become my boyfriend for the next 5 years. They were heavy drinkers - I idolised them. We would meet up on a Friday night at someone's house and drink for a couple of hours before going out. They would polish off the best part of a bottle of vodka (mixed with orange juice, surely that's healthy?) while I would get through the best part of 2 bottles of Italian sparkling wine. Then we would go out to bars and clubs until the early hours drinking the whole time. We'd get a few hours sleep, have some fast food for breakfast, watch sport on TV and then do it all again the next night. This continued in more or less the same vein for the next 4 years. Some things changed: I moved in with them, got a weekend job (needless to say I was always hungover), Saturday afternoons in summer were spent on the cricket pitch and in winter watching rugby, I finally finished uni and got a job. But it was four years of heavy boozing every weekend. We lived for the weekend. Drinks at home, drinks at a restaurant/bar/club, more drinks at home. I know this is pretty normal for most kiwis. And this is the problem - it was normal. Everyone around me was doing a similar thing. Nobody thought they had a problem. When I drank too much and was sick it was funny. Alcohol was such a massive part of who we were and what we did. It was even normal to have a few drinks after work on a Friday night and drive home. I did this every week. 2, 3, 4 glasses of wine and then drive across the city. Thinking back now I was an emotional wreck in my early twenties. Maybe everyone is? My boyfriend and I split up for a bit, I didn't know who I was, or who I wanted to be, we got back together. Then he left to go overseas... I didn't realise it at the time but this was one of the defining moments of my life. I had been very dependant on him emotionally. The first chord was cut. Outside I was fine. Inside I was a wreck. Of course I drank. I latched on to another of my brother's friends, another heavy drinker of course, and we went clubbing every weekend. I went to London to visit my boyfriend and we decided to heave a break. I thought we would get back together when he got back in a couple of years. Back home I was having fun, I felt free - but I was jumping from one thing to the next, one guy to the next. I decided to join my girlfriends in London but I needed 8 months to pay off my credit card first. I had a fling with a Scot. My ex got together with someone else, he said it was serious. I fell in love with the Scot, he had to go back to Scotland. I brought my trip forward to join him, he broke my heart. Everything changes but the drinking stays the same. I still go to London, earlier than planned, with 800 pounds in my pocket and my credit card still maxed out.

Why can't you just control yourself?

It's been two weeks since my last post. Not that I haven't wanted to write, it's just that as no one knows I'm writing this it's hard to get the private time and space to do it. In the last two weeks I've been doing plenty of things where I normally would have drunk - out to dinner with friends, watching rugby in a bar, socialising in a bar, even just watching a good, juicy TV show at home with hubby. I wouldn't say it's been easy. Every time someone offers me a drink I still want to say yes and still feel pissed off that I can't say yes. Whatever situation I'm in though thankfully I only have to say no once and then my brain gives up its nagging. Which is a relief. I've also started telling people that I no longer drink. Everyone understands. Many were witness to my last drunken escapade and in fact many have said that they need to reduce or give up too. It's amazing when you talk about it how many people struggle with the same issue. You either get it or you don't. You either have the problem or you don't. Hubby doesn't have the problem. Thank goodness or life would really be a mess. But that means I can't really talk to him about it. When I got a little annoyed at the 3rd glass of red wine he had in front of me the other night and said exasperatedly "I wish I could just have one too!" his response was "well why don't you and just learn to control yourself!" Oh if only it were that easy. It's not that I want him to stop drinking. There's no reason for him to stop. But I feel I'm still in a stage where I could easily kid myself that I could start to have one glass at a time and that would be ok, wouldn't it? What if I never drank while out but allowed myself one glass at home per night? Where's the harm in that? Oh wait I've tried rules before. And the goalposts slowly move. One per night at home, two per night at home, two at home and one while out, three at home and two while out....etc etc etc. I know hubby doesn't understand why I can't just control myself. Why I'll never trust myself with alcohol again. I know it makes him angry which is why I can't talk to him about it. I guess it's why there are so many recovery blogs out there. People need to get their thoughts out and connect with other people who "get it". I'm sure I'll share this blog with friends and family one day. But I'm definitely not ready to yet.