Never again.

Last night I got drunk. Falling over drunk. Ignoring the kids drunk. Physically sick hangover drunk. 364 days exactly since the last time I got drunk - when I got into my car and drove home with my three year old daughter next to me. That was when I made a promise to myself - to never get drunk again. But last night I broke that promise. I didn't do it on purpose. But I can't say it wasn't my fault - I drank the wine after all. I don't know what happened. For some reason I just didn't think about how much I was drinking. Everyone else was drinking, hubby was drinking, the kids were playing...Then I'm falling over, looking for people to continue drinking with. Hubby has taken the kids home to dinner/bed (it's a school night). Then I wake up, engulfed in the hangover I promised I would never suffer from again. Awash with guilt. Depressed. Embarrassed. The remorseful voices in my head - "why, why, why, you can't do this anymore, you have to stop, I can't stop, I love it, you have to, completely, forever, it's the only way". I have been a problem drinker for 26 years, since I was 15 years old. I have been seriously trying to control my drinking for the last 18 months. It has not worked. It is time to stop. Completely. Forever.